Why real men are overweight

It's a stunning fact that two out of three men in the UK are an unhealthy weight---and I'm one of them. 

In my teens I just didn't understand how people could get fat. I used to think that if I ever put on weight I'd do a few sit-ups to sort out the problem and then crack on with my life. 

I was a keen sportsman at school and though my dreams of lifting the FA Cup; winning the Ashes; scoring a try in the five nations rugby (as it was then) and breaking the Olympic triple jump record were all cut tragically short by a knee injury when I was 15, I carried on being slim and active in my teens and early twenties. In fact I used to worry about how I could put more weight on---they say be careful what you wish for!

For the last twenty years my weight has gone up and down. I've tended not to weigh myself but I know I've been 16 stone and more  (which put me in the "obese" category) and on at least one occasion I've been so thin that I've looked unwell. Mostly I've been overweight, in denial or getting round to doing something about it. 

The in denial bit's a particularly male trait I think. Research suggests that we men are more than twice as likely as women to underestimate our weight. This means that up and down the land, overweight blokes like me are looking in the mirror and going "look at the muscle on me". How can you solve a problem if you don't think it even exists?

By contrast, women are more than twice as likely as men to overestimate your weight which means British women who are a healthy weight keep looking in the mirror and saying "my bum DOES look big in this"!

What this means is that Britain would be healthier place if about one in four women who think they need to lose weight stopped wasting their time worrying and went and convinced some of the one in four men think their a perfect size to lose a bit of flab. 

Personally I'm in denial no more. I know I'm overweight I can see it, I can feel it and I have the NHS healthy weight calculator to guide me. This morning I was 14 stone 6 lbs which means I've lost 4 lbs since starting my weight loss challenge----only 22 more lbs to go and I'll be back in the healthy weight zone. 

DAY EIGHT NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 6lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.1 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Walked 3 hilly miles, did a little yoga, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and seeds

Tomorrow: Do more men than women have eating disorders?

Yesterday: How my masculinity stops me losing weight

How my masculinity stops me losing weight

In recent years I've begun to get interested in the role that masculinity plays in my day to day life. I've written elsewhere on this blog about the different ways to understand masculinity and femininity.

One of my favourite descriptions of masculinity is Martin Seager's Three Ancient Rules of Masculinity which suggests than men are driven by a need:

• To protect and provide
• To fight and win
• To retain mastery and control

This model helps me understand how my own masculinity can work against me when trying to lose weight. 

Firstly, the idea of a protector and provider being on a diet doesn't fit somehow, so I have tended to focus on "manly" exercising to lose weight rather than dieting---counting calories is definitely for losers!

Secondly, as I'm driven by an imperative to fight and win and I'm definitely not a loser, I tend to avoid the fights I know I can't win and so knowing that I often lose my fight with weight loss, I simply don't enter the fight. 

Thirdly, I clearly don't have mastery and control in the world of weight loss, so again it's an issue that challenges my masculinity and so I tend to avoid confronting it.

Now at this point our perceived postmodern wisdom tells us to respond by saying things like "typical man", "male pride", "fragile male ego" and wonder how we can fix men by deconstructing their masculinity. An alternative "macho" response may be to say things like "man up", "grow a pair", be a "real man" and and so on.

And from my experience of working with men, neither of these  approaches tend to work. What makes a difference, I've found, is working with men's good intentions and playing to their strengths. 

As most men are consciously or unconsciously driven--at least in part---by a masculine imperative to protect and provide, to fight and to win and to have mastery and control, then we can use those drives to help men fulfill on their good intentions. 

My good intention in losing weight is to live a long, happy, healthy life. So how can I use the ancient rules of masculinity to help me with this goal?

Well, when I lose weight I will at some level feel more able to protect and provide (even if it's only protecting myself from poor health and providing myself with a better chance of living longer); I  will also have fought to lose weight and won and I may also, in the process, gain some mastery and control in the area of maintaining a healthy weight. 

This being the case, maybe my masculinity will help me rather than hinder me in my weight loss challenge.

NB: Men and women can both draw on masculine and feminine qualities. For more on this see my pos Masculinity vs Feminity: 10 ways to understand the difference. 

DAY EIGHT NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 7lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.3 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Walked 3 hilly miles, did a little yoga, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and seeds

Tomorrow: Why real men are overweight

Yesterday: My top 10 highlights of week one of weight watching

My top 10 highlights of week one of weight watching

Well folks it's been a long week of weight watching and the results are in. So did I lose weight or gain weight in my first week? You'll find the answer below in my list of 10 highlights from week one. 

1. Buying my new weighing scales with digital readout. There's nothing quite like investing in a new gadget to affirm how serious you are about something. I have been advised to only weigh myself once a week but being impatient (and maybe because I like my new boy toy) I've been on the scales several times a day and have been disappointed to discover that like the stock market they go up as well as down. Damn!

2. When I asked people what will makes the difference when trying to lose weight a Christian friend  replied "walk and water". As I have a bit of a messiah complex I thought she said "walk on water" and said the myself "if I could perform miracles I wouldn't need to try and lose weight, would I?" She of course meant drink lots of water and so I've been knocking back at least four pints a day. Who knows if it's making a difference to my weight, but I do like the feeling of being well hydrated and I've done a lot more walking too----mostly to the toilet.

3. Actually that last bit's not true as I have been outdoors every day running and walking about 25 miles in total. A lot of people are telling me that exercise makes very little difference to weight loss but whatever the impact in terms of burning calories, I find the improved sense of wellbeing and smugness makes all the difference (though not when old ladies overtake me in the park because I jog so slowly).

4. I've been trying to think of a manly physical challenge to help with weight loss. In the past I've found training to run a marathon a great way to stay in shape---and it's a lot of work. So I was delighted to discover the Art of Manliness guide on how to do more than one lousy pull-up and I've set myself the manly challenge of being able to do 10 pull ups. At the moment I can't do one so I've had to start with pull downs. For an explanation of this see my post "why women and fat men are no good at pull ups" (it's science not sexism).

5. Watching my waistline line shrink from an obese 37" to a twig-like 36"----but only when I breathe in. When I breathe out I've been an elephantine 39" all week---will this ever change??

6. Eating good food---I do enjoy cooking and eating, it's one of the reasons I'm overweight, particularly when I fall into the habit of mindless eating. This week I've enjoying taking a more mindful approach to cooking and eating though I am acutely aware that the part of me that binges is lurking in my shadow and could pounce on a packet of chocolate biscuits at any moment.

7. Watching my daughter eat seeds---or rather not eat seeds, was an unexpected highlight. Two elements of being a mindful eater have included not having sweet things in the house and making an active effort to sit down and eat with my loved ones. One mealtime my poor daughter was horrified to discover the closest thing to a pudding in the house was homemade flapjack with hemp, pumpkin and sunflower seeds in it. Watching her painstakingly pick every last seed out of the flapjack whilst protesting about the abject stupidity of putting seeds in there in the first place was highly entertaining. 

8. Getting support is a new concept for me when it comes to weight loss. I usually keep it to myself but going public about my challenge has certainly helped keep me focussed on the goal. I've been inundated with "help", not all of it helpful and that in itself has been an enjoyable learning process. On Thursday I wrote about the crazy things that happen when men ask for help.    

9. My favourite tip of the week---despite complaining that the NHS thinks weight loss is for women---came from the NHS weight loss guide. I first read this tip in a Paul McKenna book a few years ago and it's this: "eat slowly, it takes about 20 minutes for your stomach to tell your brain you're full." It's great to have a bit of neuro science in my diet. 

10. Losing weight is the ultimate goal and when I stood on my new scales (again) this morning I discovered I lost 1 lb (0.45kg) this week. In the past that would have occurred as a failure and could have been enough for me to give up. But one of the benefits of reaching out for help is that I've heard from several sources than 1 to 2 lbs a week is a sensible and sustainable amount to lose. So I've dealt with the disappointment that comes from my own high expectations and I'm going to celebrate my success (but not with a cake).  

Thanks to everyone who's followed this journey so far, you've all made a difference by helping me keep my eye on the prize. 

DAY SEVEN NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 3 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and a homemade seedy flapjack.

Tomorrow: How my masculinity stops me losing weight 

Yesterday: Losing the will to lose weight

Losing the will to lose weight

How long should you stick with the task of developing a new habit………one hour, one day, one week? 

According to a men’s health professor I spoke to this week it generally takes about four to five weeks for a new habit to kick in.

This wasn’t the result of some longitudinal international research study, it was a personal comment that came out in a chat where we discovered that although we have different world views, we both like eating cheese too much for our own good.

One of the benefits of my global focus on men and boys issues I get to meet all sorts of interesting people from professors in men’s health to the world’s strongest men (but more about that another day).

Back to this personal chat with the Professor. I don’t know how it happened but one minute into our first conversation we discovered that while we both have a penchant for cheese and nuts, he can take or leave the chocolate biscuits (no wonder we have different worldviews!)

But it being New Year, we are both attempting to lose a bit of weight and the good Professor said that for him it generally takes four-to-five weeks of sticking with a new routine before it kicks in and becomes habit.

I have a similar experience, though not sure I can put a timescale on it as I don’t think I’ve done a particularly good job of sustaining any kind of healthy diet or exercise routine for more than a few months max at any time in the past 25 years.

The routine I am aware of is that prior to trying to lose weight I am generally not focussed on my body. I do a great job of ignoring the problem so it is of no conscious concern to me. Put simply, I ain’t bothered.

What happens when I start to try and lose weight is that I become very body conscious and so I keep looking at my body and going “Oh my God, I’ve been dieting for like nearly two hours now and NOTHING has changed, it’s SOOOOO UNFAIR”.

And then I get depressed and buy a pack of biscuits because I deserve a little treat for all the hard dieting I’ve been doing.  

This time it took until today, day six of the new regime, for the negative little monkey on my back to show up. It was up before me this morning telling me I was wasting my time before I’d even opened my eyes. 



I listened to it for a while and nearly lost the will to lose weight, but I think I’ve silenced the monkey for now. From a transactional analysis perspective (which I talked about in yesterday's post) you could say my parent is having a word with my child! And my adult self is certainly up for seeing what happens when I make it to the Professor’s fabled four-to-five week landmark (though as he doesn’t have a thing about choccy biccies, his opinion may not be that reliable). 

DAY SIX NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 3 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and a homemade seedy flapjack, did 12  1 "pull downs"

Tomorrow: The highlights of my first week losing weight

Yesterday: The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

I'm interested to know what happens when men try and get help. I've done a lot of work around men's help-seeking behaviour and know the story that "men won't get help" doesn't help us understand the issue.

In the past my experience in this field has come from helping men in 1-2-1 and group settings; helping others to help men and reviewing existing research on men's help-seeking behaviour.

My weight loss journey is an opportunity for me to observe my own help-seeking processes and what does and doesn't work for me. I have lots of positive experiences of getting help and support and one of my unhelpful patterns is that I end up clashing with people who want to help me.

In terms of getting help losing weight I have tried crowd-sourcing the help by sharing my need for help openly on social media. As a result I've been able to see those familiar clashes playing out externally as members of the crowd argue with each other over the best way to support me. 

I'm going to share an example of one social media conversation that took place this week and want to be clear that everyone in this (edited) exchange has a good intention to help me:

Female Friend 1: You are in pretty good shape from what I remember.....I hate skinny men....a man needs a bit of meat on him!!

Male Friend: Not sure I like people undermining Glen's goals. Who cares if you prefer fat men?? 

Female Friend 2: I will second (female friend 1) on this. Healthy is good, but you can be TOO thin........mind you don't overdo it. 

Now whatever you think of what the people in this interaction said, in terms of my help-seeking style, like the male friend who stepped into the conversation, I didn't find the help that my female friends were trying to give very helpful. Which then raises the following question about helping men---is it men's ability to get help or our collective ability to help men that needs to change?

I won't analyze this interaction further out of respect for the three people above who all have great intentions. 

What I will say more generally is this. In terms of how we, as humans, try and support each other, I find the the transactional analysis (TA) model quite useful. One of the the basic concepts is that we are all made up of 3 alter ego states: parent, adult and child.

My ideal helping relationships would be adult-to-adult. The "adult" in terms of TA, focuses on our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. So when I seek help (as an adult) I tend to work best with help-givers who can focus on my ability to work it out myself.

Now a lot of the time when it comes to giving and getting help, rather than getting into an adult-to-adult relationship, we get into a parent-child relationship.

Here's a simple table on the positive and negative sides of the parent and child ego states:

Ego state	Positive	Negative
Parent – nurturing	nurturing	spoiling
Parent – controlling	structuring	critical
Child – adapted	co-operative	compliant/resistant
Child – free	spontaneous	immature

I tend to view the nurturing adult and free child as feminine (not female) aspects of this model and the structuring adult and adapted child as masculine (not male) aspects.

When I clash with people who are trying to help, it's usually because I perceive them as being critical or over-nurturing (spoiling) and I respond in my childish way with resistance---which is the negative manifestation of the adapted (masculine) child---it has been said that I am a stubborn so-and-so! 

It is often said that men are reluctant to get help---we are stubborn. I know from my experience of helping men that men do get help and generally respond well to healthy (feminine) nurture, healthy (masculine) structure and being treated like an adult who can ultimately work it our for himself. 

I'll talk a little more about how I am applying the TA model in my attempts to help myself lose weight, tomorrow. 

DAY FIVE NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 4 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit, seeds and dried fruit 

Tomorrow: Losing the will to lose weight 

Yesterday: Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups