The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

I'm interested to know what happens when men try and get help. I've done a lot of work around men's help-seeking behaviour and know the story that "men won't get help" doesn't help us understand the issue.

In the past my experience in this field has come from helping men in 1-2-1 and group settings; helping others to help men and reviewing existing research on men's help-seeking behaviour.

My weight loss journey is an opportunity for me to observe my own help-seeking processes and what does and doesn't work for me. I have lots of positive experiences of getting help and support and one of my unhelpful patterns is that I end up clashing with people who want to help me.

In terms of getting help losing weight I have tried crowd-sourcing the help by sharing my need for help openly on social media. As a result I've been able to see those familiar clashes playing out externally as members of the crowd argue with each other over the best way to support me. 

I'm going to share an example of one social media conversation that took place this week and want to be clear that everyone in this (edited) exchange has a good intention to help me:

Female Friend 1: You are in pretty good shape from what I remember.....I hate skinny men....a man needs a bit of meat on him!!

Male Friend: Not sure I like people undermining Glen's goals. Who cares if you prefer fat men?? 

Female Friend 2: I will second (female friend 1) on this. Healthy is good, but you can be TOO thin........mind you don't overdo it. 

Now whatever you think of what the people in this interaction said, in terms of my help-seeking style, like the male friend who stepped into the conversation, I didn't find the help that my female friends were trying to give very helpful. Which then raises the following question about helping men---is it men's ability to get help or our collective ability to help men that needs to change?

I won't analyze this interaction further out of respect for the three people above who all have great intentions. 

What I will say more generally is this. In terms of how we, as humans, try and support each other, I find the the transactional analysis (TA) model quite useful. One of the the basic concepts is that we are all made up of 3 alter ego states: parent, adult and child.

My ideal helping relationships would be adult-to-adult. The "adult" in terms of TA, focuses on our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. So when I seek help (as an adult) I tend to work best with help-givers who can focus on my ability to work it out myself.

Now a lot of the time when it comes to giving and getting help, rather than getting into an adult-to-adult relationship, we get into a parent-child relationship.

Here's a simple table on the positive and negative sides of the parent and child ego states:

Ego state	Positive	Negative
Parent – nurturing	nurturing	spoiling
Parent – controlling	structuring	critical
Child – adapted	co-operative	compliant/resistant
Child – free	spontaneous	immature

I tend to view the nurturing adult and free child as feminine (not female) aspects of this model and the structuring adult and adapted child as masculine (not male) aspects.

When I clash with people who are trying to help, it's usually because I perceive them as being critical or over-nurturing (spoiling) and I respond in my childish way with resistance---which is the negative manifestation of the adapted (masculine) child---it has been said that I am a stubborn so-and-so! 

It is often said that men are reluctant to get help---we are stubborn. I know from my experience of helping men that men do get help and generally respond well to healthy (feminine) nurture, healthy (masculine) structure and being treated like an adult who can ultimately work it our for himself. 

I'll talk a little more about how I am applying the TA model in my attempts to help myself lose weight, tomorrow. 

DAY FIVE NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 4 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit, seeds and dried fruit 

Tomorrow: Losing the will to lose weight 

Yesterday: Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups

Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups...

This isn't sexist it's science, women are no good at pull ups---and neither are fat blokes with weak arms like me. 

As part of my 2014 weight loss challenge I've been contemplating taking on a physical challenge and then yesterday I stumbled across an article called Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up.

It reminded me of a "Superstars" competition run by my junior school’s PE teacher. One of the challenges was who could do the most "chin ups" as we called them. The winner was the skinniest, unhealthiest kid in the class who had the advantage of only having to lift half the weight of everyone else.

Having to lift nearly 15 stone is one of the reasons I currently can't do a single chin up or pull up. It's something that us men are supposed to be able to do and if I didn’t have such weedy arms then maybe lifting nearly 15 stone wouldn’t be a problem.

Women have an excuse for being rubbish at chin ups. Sports scientists say that women have less upper-body mass than men which means their natural upper body strength is about 50 to 60 per cent as strong as a man’s. Pull-ups are so much more difficult for women that the US marines have delayed introducing pull-ups as a fitness test for women after fewer than half of female recruits managed the minimum 3 pull ups (which is 3 more than I can do right now). 

As a man I can’t use science as an excuse. There is no avoiding the fact that I can’t do chin ups because I’m too heavy and too week in my upper body. And so I’ve found my physical challenge for 2014. My aim is to do not one but 10 (yes 10) chin ups by following the Art of Manliness’s tips on how to Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up.

The catch-22 is that the programme starts with one pull-up! Fortunately I found a great tip in the comments section, if you can't do one start with a "pull-down", which means jumping up to the finish position and lowering you body to the starting position. (I've found I can do this, so it's a start).

Watch this space! 

DAY FOUR NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 8lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.4 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked 4 miles, did 12 x 1 "pull downs", drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and homemade popcorn

Tomorrow: The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

Yesterday: Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight

picture: flickr/dphiffer

Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight

I really don’t like dieting to lose weight. The thought of counting how many calories I eat and depriving myself of things I enjoy just doesn’t appeal to me. So to get me started I just drink more pints to lose weight instead.

Of course I know if I change my mindset it will make a difference. If I think about how good eating healthily is going to make me feel then it will no longer seem like I’m depriving myself, I may even think I’m treating myself.  Yet somehow eating more lettuce and fewer biscuits doesn’t feel like a treat!

So I have a manly weight loss method where I trick myself into consuming fewer calories by knocking back as many pint as I can every day. It seems to work as long as the pints are water and here’s four reasons why:

• Drinking more water keeps you feeling full and can reduce the temptation to snack
• Drinking more water makes it easier to drink fewer sugary drinks
• Drinking cold water increases your metabolism because your body actually burns up fat to heat itself up again
• Drinking more water can help flush stuff out of your body like the stress hormone cortisol that can increase appetite

I've been taking on the manly challenge of knocking back at least 4 pints of water for three days now and it's certainly helping me put fewer calories into my body. I'm also getting more exercise as I'm spending more time walking to and from the toilet!

DAY THREE NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 7lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.3 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked 6 miles, didn't snack, drank lots of water, talked about weight loss at my men's group

Tomorrow: Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups
Yesterday: Why does the NHS think weight is a woman's problem 

Why does the NHS think weight is a woman’s problem?

Men are more likely than women to be an unhealthy weight (and we’re also less likely to think we’re overweight) so why does the NHS give the impression that weight loss is a woman’s problem?

We’re often told that men have poorer health than women on average because we are reluctant to get help. As a man the message I receive over and over again is if only I stopped being such a typical man and got some help then my problems would be solved.

As a champion for better healthcare for men I frequently say the reason more men die younger is that we put less time, money and energy into keeping men healthy.

One of the first actions I took to get help to lose weight was go on the NHS choices website and calculate my BMI. I was told I was overweight and then pointed to 6 separate bits of advice.

These included a 12 week weight loss guide with a case study from Stephanie; a story about Laura’s experience of losing weight on the plan; a video about how Elinor went to her GP to get help. I then headed for the getting started on the NHS weight loss plan page where there are two separate pictures of women swimming.

The marketing message from the NHS is loud and clear, we help women lose weight and all over the country (surprise, surprise) more women than men get help from NHS to lose weight. 

DAY TWO NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb

WAIST: 37-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.5 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked about five miles; made water my main drink, cut out snacks (apart from fruit), eating mindfully 

Tomorrow: Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight
Yesterday: Help me, I'm a man and I'm overweight 

Help me, I’m a man and I’m overweight

How can an ambassador for men’s health and well being be an unhealthy weight?

New Year frequently reminds me that one of the areas of my life I’m unhappy with is my own body and this year I’ve decided to “go public” to get help.

I bought a set of weighing scales yesterday and the verdict is I’m 14 stone 10 lbs (or 206 pounds or 94.5 kilo if you prefer---I don’t, fat is fat no matter how you measure it).

Why is this a problem?  

From a health perspective it’s obvious. According to the NHS healthy weight calculator, I am overweight (no shit, Sherlock)!

I have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 28.7 when 18.5 to 25 is considered healthy and 30 and over is obese---so I’m closer to being obese than being a healthy weight.

My excess weight puts me at an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes. I’ve never had an ambition to “live fast and die young” and right now the only fast living I do is eating too many biscuits too quickly. I don’t want to die young for the sake of chocolate digestive (or seven)!

As a champion for better health outcomes for men and boys I frequently say the reason more men die younger is that we put less time, money and energy into keeping men healthy. Well it’s time I put my money and energy where my mouth is and lose some weight (or maybe I should stop putting things where my mouth is altogether)!

DAY ONE NOTES:

WEIGHT: 14 stone 10lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 37-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Bought weighing scales, calculated BMI at NHS choices, downloaded NHS guide to weight loss (week 1). 

Tomorrow: Why does the NHS think weight loss is a woman’s problem?