Losing the will to lose weight

How long should you stick with the task of developing a new habit………one hour, one day, one week? 

According to a men’s health professor I spoke to this week it generally takes about four to five weeks for a new habit to kick in.

This wasn’t the result of some longitudinal international research study, it was a personal comment that came out in a chat where we discovered that although we have different world views, we both like eating cheese too much for our own good.

One of the benefits of my global focus on men and boys issues I get to meet all sorts of interesting people from professors in men’s health to the world’s strongest men (but more about that another day).

Back to this personal chat with the Professor. I don’t know how it happened but one minute into our first conversation we discovered that while we both have a penchant for cheese and nuts, he can take or leave the chocolate biscuits (no wonder we have different worldviews!)

But it being New Year, we are both attempting to lose a bit of weight and the good Professor said that for him it generally takes four-to-five weeks of sticking with a new routine before it kicks in and becomes habit.

I have a similar experience, though not sure I can put a timescale on it as I don’t think I’ve done a particularly good job of sustaining any kind of healthy diet or exercise routine for more than a few months max at any time in the past 25 years.

The routine I am aware of is that prior to trying to lose weight I am generally not focussed on my body. I do a great job of ignoring the problem so it is of no conscious concern to me. Put simply, I ain’t bothered.

What happens when I start to try and lose weight is that I become very body conscious and so I keep looking at my body and going “Oh my God, I’ve been dieting for like nearly two hours now and NOTHING has changed, it’s SOOOOO UNFAIR”.

And then I get depressed and buy a pack of biscuits because I deserve a little treat for all the hard dieting I’ve been doing.  

This time it took until today, day six of the new regime, for the negative little monkey on my back to show up. It was up before me this morning telling me I was wasting my time before I’d even opened my eyes. 



I listened to it for a while and nearly lost the will to lose weight, but I think I’ve silenced the monkey for now. From a transactional analysis perspective (which I talked about in yesterday's post) you could say my parent is having a word with my child! And my adult self is certainly up for seeing what happens when I make it to the Professor’s fabled four-to-five week landmark (though as he doesn’t have a thing about choccy biccies, his opinion may not be that reliable). 

DAY SIX NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 3 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and a homemade seedy flapjack, did 12  1 "pull downs"

Tomorrow: The highlights of my first week losing weight

Yesterday: The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

I'm interested to know what happens when men try and get help. I've done a lot of work around men's help-seeking behaviour and know the story that "men won't get help" doesn't help us understand the issue.

In the past my experience in this field has come from helping men in 1-2-1 and group settings; helping others to help men and reviewing existing research on men's help-seeking behaviour.

My weight loss journey is an opportunity for me to observe my own help-seeking processes and what does and doesn't work for me. I have lots of positive experiences of getting help and support and one of my unhelpful patterns is that I end up clashing with people who want to help me.

In terms of getting help losing weight I have tried crowd-sourcing the help by sharing my need for help openly on social media. As a result I've been able to see those familiar clashes playing out externally as members of the crowd argue with each other over the best way to support me. 

I'm going to share an example of one social media conversation that took place this week and want to be clear that everyone in this (edited) exchange has a good intention to help me:

Female Friend 1: You are in pretty good shape from what I remember.....I hate skinny men....a man needs a bit of meat on him!!

Male Friend: Not sure I like people undermining Glen's goals. Who cares if you prefer fat men?? 

Female Friend 2: I will second (female friend 1) on this. Healthy is good, but you can be TOO thin........mind you don't overdo it. 

Now whatever you think of what the people in this interaction said, in terms of my help-seeking style, like the male friend who stepped into the conversation, I didn't find the help that my female friends were trying to give very helpful. Which then raises the following question about helping men---is it men's ability to get help or our collective ability to help men that needs to change?

I won't analyze this interaction further out of respect for the three people above who all have great intentions. 

What I will say more generally is this. In terms of how we, as humans, try and support each other, I find the the transactional analysis (TA) model quite useful. One of the the basic concepts is that we are all made up of 3 alter ego states: parent, adult and child.

My ideal helping relationships would be adult-to-adult. The "adult" in terms of TA, focuses on our ability to think and determine action for ourselves, based on received data. So when I seek help (as an adult) I tend to work best with help-givers who can focus on my ability to work it out myself.

Now a lot of the time when it comes to giving and getting help, rather than getting into an adult-to-adult relationship, we get into a parent-child relationship.

Here's a simple table on the positive and negative sides of the parent and child ego states:

Ego state	Positive	Negative
Parent – nurturing	nurturing	spoiling
Parent – controlling	structuring	critical
Child – adapted	co-operative	compliant/resistant
Child – free	spontaneous	immature

I tend to view the nurturing adult and free child as feminine (not female) aspects of this model and the structuring adult and adapted child as masculine (not male) aspects.

When I clash with people who are trying to help, it's usually because I perceive them as being critical or over-nurturing (spoiling) and I respond in my childish way with resistance---which is the negative manifestation of the adapted (masculine) child---it has been said that I am a stubborn so-and-so! 

It is often said that men are reluctant to get help---we are stubborn. I know from my experience of helping men that men do get help and generally respond well to healthy (feminine) nurture, healthy (masculine) structure and being treated like an adult who can ultimately work it our for himself. 

I'll talk a little more about how I am applying the TA model in my attempts to help myself lose weight, tomorrow. 

DAY FIVE NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25) 

ACTION: Ran and walked 4 miles, drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit, seeds and dried fruit 

Tomorrow: Losing the will to lose weight 

Yesterday: Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups

Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups...

This isn't sexist it's science, women are no good at pull ups---and neither are fat blokes with weak arms like me. 

As part of my 2014 weight loss challenge I've been contemplating taking on a physical challenge and then yesterday I stumbled across an article called Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up.

It reminded me of a "Superstars" competition run by my junior school’s PE teacher. One of the challenges was who could do the most "chin ups" as we called them. The winner was the skinniest, unhealthiest kid in the class who had the advantage of only having to lift half the weight of everyone else.

Having to lift nearly 15 stone is one of the reasons I currently can't do a single chin up or pull up. It's something that us men are supposed to be able to do and if I didn’t have such weedy arms then maybe lifting nearly 15 stone wouldn’t be a problem.

Women have an excuse for being rubbish at chin ups. Sports scientists say that women have less upper-body mass than men which means their natural upper body strength is about 50 to 60 per cent as strong as a man’s. Pull-ups are so much more difficult for women that the US marines have delayed introducing pull-ups as a fitness test for women after fewer than half of female recruits managed the minimum 3 pull ups (which is 3 more than I can do right now). 

As a man I can’t use science as an excuse. There is no avoiding the fact that I can’t do chin ups because I’m too heavy and too week in my upper body. And so I’ve found my physical challenge for 2014. My aim is to do not one but 10 (yes 10) chin ups by following the Art of Manliness’s tips on how to Do More Than One Stinking Pull-Up.

The catch-22 is that the programme starts with one pull-up! Fortunately I found a great tip in the comments section, if you can't do one start with a "pull-down", which means jumping up to the finish position and lowering you body to the starting position. (I've found I can do this, so it's a start).

Watch this space! 

DAY FOUR NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 8lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.4 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked 4 miles, did 12 x 1 "pull downs", drank lots of water, stayed off the biscuits, snacked on fruit and homemade popcorn

Tomorrow: The crazy stuff that happens when men ask for help

Yesterday: Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight

picture: flickr/dphiffer

Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight

I really don’t like dieting to lose weight. The thought of counting how many calories I eat and depriving myself of things I enjoy just doesn’t appeal to me. So to get me started I just drink more pints to lose weight instead.

Of course I know if I change my mindset it will make a difference. If I think about how good eating healthily is going to make me feel then it will no longer seem like I’m depriving myself, I may even think I’m treating myself.  Yet somehow eating more lettuce and fewer biscuits doesn’t feel like a treat!

So I have a manly weight loss method where I trick myself into consuming fewer calories by knocking back as many pint as I can every day. It seems to work as long as the pints are water and here’s four reasons why:

• Drinking more water keeps you feeling full and can reduce the temptation to snack
• Drinking more water makes it easier to drink fewer sugary drinks
• Drinking cold water increases your metabolism because your body actually burns up fat to heat itself up again
• Drinking more water can help flush stuff out of your body like the stress hormone cortisol that can increase appetite

I've been taking on the manly challenge of knocking back at least 4 pints of water for three days now and it's certainly helping me put fewer calories into my body. I'm also getting more exercise as I'm spending more time walking to and from the toilet!

DAY THREE NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 7lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 36-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.3 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked 6 miles, didn't snack, drank lots of water, talked about weight loss at my men's group

Tomorrow: Why women and fat men are no good at pull ups
Yesterday: Why does the NHS think weight is a woman's problem 

Why does the NHS think weight is a woman’s problem?

Men are more likely than women to be an unhealthy weight (and we’re also less likely to think we’re overweight) so why does the NHS give the impression that weight loss is a woman’s problem?

We’re often told that men have poorer health than women on average because we are reluctant to get help. As a man the message I receive over and over again is if only I stopped being such a typical man and got some help then my problems would be solved.

As a champion for better healthcare for men I frequently say the reason more men die younger is that we put less time, money and energy into keeping men healthy.

One of the first actions I took to get help to lose weight was go on the NHS choices website and calculate my BMI. I was told I was overweight and then pointed to 6 separate bits of advice.

These included a 12 week weight loss guide with a case study from Stephanie; a story about Laura’s experience of losing weight on the plan; a video about how Elinor went to her GP to get help. I then headed for the getting started on the NHS weight loss plan page where there are two separate pictures of women swimming.

The marketing message from the NHS is loud and clear, we help women lose weight and all over the country (surprise, surprise) more women than men get help from NHS to lose weight. 

DAY TWO NOTES

WEIGHT: 14 stone 9lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb

WAIST: 37-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.5 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Ran and walked about five miles; made water my main drink, cut out snacks (apart from fruit), eating mindfully 

Tomorrow: Four reasons drinking lots of pints is the manly way to lose weight
Yesterday: Help me, I'm a man and I'm overweight 

Help me, I’m a man and I’m overweight

How can an ambassador for men’s health and well being be an unhealthy weight?

New Year frequently reminds me that one of the areas of my life I’m unhappy with is my own body and this year I’ve decided to “go public” to get help.

I bought a set of weighing scales yesterday and the verdict is I’m 14 stone 10 lbs (or 206 pounds or 94.5 kilo if you prefer---I don’t, fat is fat no matter how you measure it).

Why is this a problem?  

From a health perspective it’s obvious. According to the NHS healthy weight calculator, I am overweight (no shit, Sherlock)!

I have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 28.7 when 18.5 to 25 is considered healthy and 30 and over is obese---so I’m closer to being obese than being a healthy weight.

My excess weight puts me at an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes. I’ve never had an ambition to “live fast and die young” and right now the only fast living I do is eating too many biscuits too quickly. I don’t want to die young for the sake of chocolate digestive (or seven)!

As a champion for better health outcomes for men and boys I frequently say the reason more men die younger is that we put less time, money and energy into keeping men healthy. Well it’s time I put my money and energy where my mouth is and lose some weight (or maybe I should stop putting things where my mouth is altogether)!

DAY ONE NOTES:

WEIGHT: 14 stone 10lb (healthy range 9 stone 7lb to 12 stone 12lb)

WAIST: 37-39 inches/94-99 cms (depends if I'm breathing in or out) 

BMI: 28.7 (healthy range 18.5 to 25)

ACTION: Bought weighing scales, calculated BMI at NHS choices, downloaded NHS guide to weight loss (week 1). 

Tomorrow: Why does the NHS think weight loss is a woman’s problem?

Masculinity vs Femininity: 10 ways to understand the difference

What do we mean by masculinity and femininity? 

Although I am deeply interested in men's issues I have tended to steer away from conversations about masculinity as in the world of "gender issues" it seems that masculinity is pathologized and blamed for all of the world's ills.

However, in terms of understanding ourselves and others, considering the masculine and feminine nature of humanity has a great deal to offer. So to help me (and anyone else who wants to take on the "feminine quality" of being helped to apply some "masculine" rationality to the subject.........here's a list of 10 different ways of looking at masculinity/femininity to help you think (macsuline) and feel (feminine) more deeply about this important subject. 

1. Empathizing-systemizing theory

In his 2003 book The Essential Difference, Simon Baron Cohen proposed that while both men and women are capable of both empathizing and systemizing the male brain is programmed to systemize and the female brain to empathize.Therefore we could say that empathizing is a feminine quality and  systemizing is a masculine quality.

For more information see: Simon Baron Cohen interview with Guardian TV

2. Yin and Yang

In Eastern philosophy, Yin and Yang represent two universal polarities. Yin is said to be the feminine or feeling part of the self. Yang is said to be our masculine aspect, the mind, which thinks, and then promotes the acts of doing.

For more information see: The Feminine and Masculine aspects of self by Scott Clark Woolley

3. Agency and Communion/Eros and Agape

From an integral perspective, there are four drivers of change and transformation--- eros, agency, communion an agape. The first two are considered to be more masculine ways of developing while communion an agape are more feminine.

For more information see: Ken Wilber - Eros and Agency in Masculinity

4. Men are from Mars women are from Venus

It is claimed that John Gray’s 1992 self-help classic has transformed millions of relationships by helping “men and women realise how different they really are”. One of the key concepts in the book is that “men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.”

For more information see: Mars and Venus website

5. Internal v External

According to Michael D. Stewart “many scholars have forwarded the idea that there are masculine and feminine realms that can be divided into exterior and interior.  The exterior, consisting of politics, economics and science are masculine.  The interior, consisting of the home, culture and love are feminine.”

An example of this is the Adam and Eve story where it is said that the creation of Eve from Adam’s rib “is teaching us a principle in understanding the nature of masculine and feminine strengths, namely that feminine manifestation and strength is more internal, while the masculine focus and expression is more external.”

For more information see: Men & Women A Jewish View on Gender Differences

6. Men Report and Women Rapport

In her 1990 book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Deborah Tannen proposed from an early age boys and girls learn different "genderlects". Tannen highlights a masculine preference for independence and status and a feminine preference for connection and intimacy. In terms of conversational style, women tend to “rapport” while men tend to “report”, according to Tannen.

For more information see: Deborah Tannen’s website

7. Jungian archetypes of Masculine and Feminine 

In his 1992 book Masculine and Feminine: The Natural Flow of Opposites in the Psyche, Gareth S. Hill provided a modern take on Carl Jung’s masculine and feminine archetypes that are found in our collective conscience and our individual psyches. These archetypes found in various myths or systems, from Greek Mythology to Tarot cards. According to Hill, these masculine and feminine energies are both found in the psyches of  men and women. The energies are said to have four main patterns: the Static Feminine, the Dynamic Masculine, the Static Masculine and the Dynamic Feminine.

For more information see: Gender lens, the play of the dynamic static and masculine and feminine in the psyche

8. Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine

Fans of various “new age” practices often refer to the divine feminine and divine masculine, often drawing on a mix of Jungian archetypes, concepts of yin and yang and imagery from   Eastern religions such as the Hinduism that gives us The Great Divine Mother, Shakti and the Great God, Shiva. As with Jungian archetypes, the divine masculine and feminine are said to found within us and are perfectly balance in our higher selves.

For more information see: balancing the masculine and feminine energies

9. Masculine Rights and Feminine Morality

Morality is sometimes described as a feminine construct as morals are created internal, require empathy and putting others rights and needs first. The laws that enforce our moral rights are seen as masculine as they are external, rational and systemic. One way of viewing this is that our masculine side is about strength and asserting our own rights while our feminine side is about goodness and considering others rights. Neither side is more important as both need to be in balance to create a healthy individual and a healthy society.

For more information see: the masculine and feminine side

10. Masculine and Feminine: the MindBody connection

Most of us will have heard the left brain and right brain being described as male and female, masculine and feminine. The left-side of our brain is said to be systemic, logical and masculine while the right-side is said to be empathic, emotional and feminine. This thinking is also extended to our bodies which are controlled by opposite sides of our brains and so our right side is said to be masculine and our left side is said to be feminine.

According to Debbie Shapiro in Your Body Speaks Your Mind:

“The right side of the body represents the masculine principle in both men and women. It is to do with the ability to give and to be dominant or assertive; it is the authoritative and intellectual part of our being…the left side of the body represents the feminine principle in both men and women. It indicates the ability to ask for help, to receive, or to surrender; to nourish and care for others; to be tender and caring; to be creative and artistic; to listen to and trust our own wisdom.”

For more information see: the mindbody connection left and right 

Image from: Alien in the Caribbean

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